AdoptionBuzz Blog

August 18, 2008

Scam in Adoption

Recently, I became a pawn in a form of theft, credit card theft.  Periodically, I am contacted by birthparents who want to place their baby or young child for adoption.  As far as I know—these have all been legitimate inquiries—until recently.

A birthmom from another state called me—let’s call her J. We have a toll free number, so it is not unusual to get calls from out of state.  J told me she had a five week old baby and they were living out of their car.  Of course I tried to speak with J about returning to the hospital for resources or going to a local shelter.  She was resistant and said she was afraid that the hospital staff may try to “take her baby from her” because she had no home for her baby and she hated shelters.  J was adamant that she wanted to place her baby for adoption and she wanted to come to Washington State to place.  Because I want to refer people with a need, to a professional that knows much more then I do, I try not to collect vast amounts of information about the situation. 

I contacted three agency staff/individual professionals that I felt could work with J and help her review her options, and help her place if that’s what she chose to do.  The agency that ended up responding and contacting J spoke with her over the phone and I wasn’t privy to those discussions or their assessment. 

Within a few days the agency professional contacted me and told me the following.  They wanted to confirm the birth of the baby, and perhaps a couple of other things.  In order to do this, the agency sent J a credit card number so she could fax paperwork to them.  You guessed it!  Allegedly, J took the card and ran up thousands of dollars of charges!

I think most of us have heard of fraudulent incidents in adoption, becoming more inventive all the time.  In this particular scenario, how could an agency or private practitioner have more control over crime against them?  My first thought is, if one decides to help another pay for something, and make a credit card available, severely limit the maximum amount that can be charged on the card.  The agency that was stolen from is an experienced agency that has provided great services for many years

 

Unfortunately, this scam is just one of a number of potential scams in infant adoption. The vast majority of situations are completely legitimate. 

 

July 17, 2008

We are fortunate to have another guest blogger. Amanda answers the question: What can parents do to prepare for bringing their child home?

Bringing a foster child or a pre-adoptive child home is just like bringing home a brand-new infant -- only more so. A child new to a family is likely to be very unsettled and very needy, and to show that unsettled neediness in a whole variety of ways -- none of which are particularly easy to deal with, or quick to fix. So, my advice to a foster-adopt parent is the same as my advice to any parent about to have a baby: take really, really good care of yourself until the moment the child arrives. Do whatever you need to do to "get your house in order": clean out your closets, sort your files, stock the pantry, get the garden in shape... Do whatever you can to make your primary relationships strong: see your friends (and admit to them it may be some time before you'll have this sort of leisure again), make love with your partner, do a final weekend at the ocean with your travel buddies, spend special time with your other children. Take care of your body: go to a spa or the dentist or your hairdresser, get plenty of sleep, make sure you are stocked up on what makes your body happy (bath salts? yoga tapes? really good chocolate?) In other words, get ship-shape, just as any boat will do before taking a long trip overseas through possibly turbulent waters. Batten down your hatches, while firmly knowing that you are going to sail into harbor, mission accomplished, at some point in the future.

Amanda Franklin, M.Ed. Adoptive mother of a high-needs daughter
Therapist in private practice (www.amandafranklin.net), specializing in marital and family therapy.

Thanks Amanda for contributing your personal and professional expertise!

July 4, 2008

In 2007, the Washington State Legislature passed a law for the study of racial disproportionality in the child welfare system. This study was to result in a report and a following plan for reducing whatever disproportionality was found.

Guess what, racial disproportionality was found. This is not a surprise to most, if not all, that work in child welfare. Heck, it’s likely not a surprise for those not in the child welfare field. It is nice to have the research done and the findings in writing.

The report came out on June 25th. At the end of this entry, there will be a link to the report. There are several important findings—the very simple answer is yes, children of color are over-represented in the child welfare system

The greatest disproportionality for children of color exists when:
• The initial referral to Children’s Protective Services (CPS) are made
• The decision to remove the child from the home is made
• A child is in care for over two years


The link to the executive summary and full report is
http://www.dshs.wa.gov/ca/pubs/disproportionReport.asp

The discussions for answers have begun and will take a community effort. My hope is that we will all hear in the media and in our circles of work and friends, how to contribute to the answers.

Time to step up.

June 30, 2008

I was recently asked to help a friend and colleague “put out the word” for a need for adoptive parents where at least one of the parents is African American. Because the birth mom is young and this is her first pregnancy, the four week timeline could be much shorter. There were a couple of issues, neither of them being the health of birth parents or use of drugs or alcohol.

I was amazed at two things during this process. The first thing is the lack of parents of color that are home study ready or even known to be considering adoption. The second issue, and even more amazing, is the lack of quick and easy communication among many in the infant adoption community.

I understand that traditionally the cultures of people color keep children within the families, known as kinship placements. Often times these are informal arrangements. It had been rare for birth parents to place children outside of the family of origin. Choosing adoptive parents out side of the family of origin is more common now and will be more common in the coming years.

Certainly, Caucasian couples and individuals can parent children of color wonderfully. With intentional effort they can bring the important experiences and relationships that a child of color needs to support pride and self esteem. These successful families are all around us. What about when the birth parents feel at least one parent should be the same ethnicity or come from the same culture as they do? Most in infant adoption would agree that this is a very important request and make every attempt possible to respect this need.

The second issue, the lack of uncomplicated communication and sense of community among infant adoption professionals, is also troubling. Stay tuned. I have an experimental solution that will try to resolve this problem for professionals and those families involved in adoption.

June 20, 2008

 

In preparation of putting together a resource for parents that are expecting their child to come home soon or have just had their child come home, I asked experienced professionals and parents the following question. What could parents do to make their child's transition into their new home easier for the child, therefore, easier for the rest of the family? Following is a very concise response from a wise and experienced mom and professional. This is a link to a list of many of the support groups she lists.

 

Prepare ahead. Read books and articles on the issues that are associated with your adoption situation. Attend conferences and parenting classes, especially those offered by your adoption agency.

 

Join support groups like FRUA, INC (Families for Russian & Ukrainian Adoption Including Neighboring Countries), Adoptive Friends and Families, Northwest Adoptive Families, Friends in Adoption, Families with Children from China, Guatemalan North American Adoptive Families. Attend their events and conferences, even before you are united with your child. Meet other families in similar situations and ask questions. Participate in their e-groups. Explore the resources available through these groups.

 

Explore any challenges that are common to families in your situation. Get referrals to professionals who have experience and skill with adoptive families, grief and attachment issues. Interview potential pediatricians, occupational and/or physical therapists, speech therapists, adoption therapists and counselors, educational testing professionals, etc.

 

Set up your support systems before your child arrives in your family. Get resources from other families who have adopted. Find babysitters, and back-up baby sitters. Interview daycares, schools, etc. Find out what other community resources are available to  you that might be appropriate, such as community centers with pre-school play areas, recreational classes, sports groups.

 

Build things that might be familiar to your new child into your home, especially at first. Smells are powerful triggers.  Find foods that your child is familiar with and cook these, for the familiar taste as well as the smells, and have these cooking when the child first arrives if possible. Provide clothing that is similar to what the child is used to wearing. Post photos of your child's prior home, caretakers, family, country, significant people. Learn and use some familiar phrases and words, ask caretakers for some ideas. My younger son latched onto a cassette tape of Bulgarian children's songs at first, and played it night and day. He held it up to his ear at bed time until he fell asleep.

 

Terry Mandeville

Pediatric Psychiatric RN

Mom of two teens adopted from Bulgaria

 

 

 

June 4, 2008

Following is an entry by a guest blogger. I plan to have guests contribute on an on-going bases. My guest is Suzanne Engelberg, PhD. Her phone number is 206-542-7516, ext 105. She can be emailed at DrSuzanne@Verizon.net.

In addition to providing family and individual therapy, Suzanne periodically provides training on a variety of topics.

Last week I met with a colleague to start developing a joint workshop to help therapists understand identity issues related to transracial adoption.   Thinking about my goals for that workshop reminded me of the very first time I did therapy with a transracially adopted family--nearly 15 years ago.  I’d like to share that experience with you.  I have changed the details to maintain the family’s confidentiality.

 

Susan and Tom Edwards were a young blond-haired, blue-eyed couple who adopted a child from China after experiencing several miscarriages.  Four years after Emily’s adoption they were joyfully surprised by the conception and birth of their blond-haired, blue-eyed birth son David.  They came to me after months of frustration trying to control now nine-year old Emily’s frequent angry outbursts at home.  These episodes dragged on for hours and left everyone upset and exhausted.

 

I worked with the Edwards family for several months, helping the parents better understand Emily's personality and tailor their parenting style to her individual needs.  When Emily’s outbursts became more manageable they decided to stop therapy.  Towards the end of the final session I made a passing reference to the contrast between Emily’s Chinese physical features and the rest of the family’s stereotypically Caucasian features.  Susan turned to me and exclaimed in a voice that implied I underestimated them, “When I look at Emily I don’t see an Asian child, I see only my daughter!”  I was pretty stunned.  How could she not see that her daughter was Chinese?  And why was it so important to her to be that blind?

I had clearly been addressing the wrong issues in my therapy with this family.  I was pretty sure that on their own they would never address Emily’s Chinese identity, and that Emily was almost certain to develop more problems as she tried to figure out who she was in a family that needed her to be just like them.  I was also pretty sure they wouldn’t find a therapist to help them address those issues.  (Remember, this was almost 15 years ago, when almost no therapists specialized in transracial adoption issues.)

 

I never saw the Edwards again, but I still sometimes fantasize about finding Emily and apologizing to her.  Instead, in real life I make sure that I help my transracially adopted families develop the vocabulary and comfort to address these issues—with me in therapy and at home without me.  I want all the Emilys—and Susans and Toms and Davids—to be able to claim their full identities and to have families that can tolerate and even enjoy the similarities and differences between them.  I’ve learned a lot in15 years, and look forward to teaching others and to continuing to learn myself.

May 26, 2008

Now for some of the things I believe we did “right” early after we began in our parenting through adoption.

1. We kept our commitment for open adoption. For both of our children we were able to continue relationships with birth family members that were stable and healthy. We believe that these continued relationships helped our family have an easier transition. Birth family members were able to be very supportive and reinforce our children’s stories of their adoption.

2. Early on we began to video record what we now call our “family movie”. This was an on-going video of funny stuff, difficulties, learning to get along and special occasions. Just today, our 14 year old son was watching his copy of this movie—I looked much younger and weighed less-which of course he pointed out.

3. We talked, talked, talked and talked some more. Our children were behind in their speech skills-so they needed us to keep communicating with them. Because our children were the youngest in their homes, they were often not expected or given the opportunity to speak as much as they needed. Both of them ended up having minimal speech therapy before they tested out of needing speech services.

4. We took advantage of transitional therapy. We all benefited, especially me. The challenges of becoming new parents and our children coming to us with fully formed, strong personalities, took a toll in the first years. My husband and I learned a lot about how to understand and help our children through their early grief as well as what impact their developmental stage had in the whole process.

May 22, 2008

I periodically speak to groups of professional and parents about our families’ experiences. Many ask about “the good stuff”—what we did that worked out well. When I’m done speaking, I am often concerned that it sounds as if everything went well all the time—it did not.

Both of my babies were adopted at 39 months, my son is now 14 and my daughter is 12 ½.

Now, for some of the things that we did not do well-and I am thankful for—there was so much we learned from these experiences and decisions.

1. In the first year and a half after adopting our son, we had him in three pre-schools. He spent very little time in pre-school-so we thought it was not harmful at all. We were to learn that this moving around was too similar to the moves he had in foster care. The continuing losses of people in his life,-even with the limited relationships,-were too disruptive in his life. We later learned that this contributed to what we saw as behavior problems. These moves and losses triggered additional grieving, thus resulting in a not always stable child.

2. We had the need to be “perfect parents”. For us, that meant we gave all our time to our son, then our daughter, with very few breaks for us as a couple and as individuals. We wanted to always be there, always give attention. That was very exhausting and not the best for any of us, including our children. We all come to adoption with quite a bit of work, we continue with our work ethic when we are parenting our babies. We are still individuals and have relationships that are important that we need to continue in our lives.

3. We had an expectation for our children to be like us/fit our image of our child. When parenting a birth child this is not realistic and it is even more unrealistic with a child that was adopted. They have different early life experiences then we do. They have different DNA—likely different temperaments. Potentially—this is a set up for frustration, disillusionment and sometimes can contribute to difficulties in commitment, bonding and attachment. Our children will be how they are with our influences contributing to the whole, part of the picture, not the entire picture.

In the next blog, I will write about three things that I feel we did well and that contributed to strengthening our family.

April 25, 2008

Ethical Issues in Adoption and Foster Care
Anthony Collis, Ed.D
Mary-Carter Creech, MA, LMHC

May 15, 2008

10:30 to 1:30

While professional ethics codes of the various mental health disciplines offer some insight into the values and principals promoted by mental health professionals, the professional literature and typical ethics trainings do not adequately cover the diversity of situations and distinctive circumstances commonly encountered by mental health clinicians who provide professional services in the world of foster care and adoption.

This workshop will cover the diversity of situations and distinctive circumstances commonly encountered by mental health clinicians who provide professional services in the world of foster care and adoption. Topics include: informed consent, the therapeutic contract, duty of care, confidentiality, boundaries, multiple roles and dual relationships, therapeutic modality and treatment records.

This workshop is part of a structured educational consultation group offered through the Certificate Program in Adoption and Foster Care Therapy. This consult group is open and ongoing and will meet several time a year.

For those enrolled in the Certificate Program, this workshop fulfills 3 of the required ethics credits needed for completion. Also meets 3 of the 6 ethics and law CEUs required for re-licensure in Washingon State.

Feel free to bring your lunch!

www.cascadia-training.org

April 13, 2008

I want to remind professionals and parents about the April 18th workshop sponsored by Cascadia Training.

Understanding and Working Effectively with Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorder with Diane Davis, MA

This workshop is very timely with the latest statistics and all the research we now have of how prevalent Autism Spectrum Disorder is.

This workshop provides benefits for professionals as well as parents who can use more knowledge from a respected expert.

This workshop will enable participants to have a broader understanding of autism spectrum disorder: including its characteristics and behaviors, the diagnostic process, current methods of treatment, the environmental and academic needs of children and adolescents on the spectrum, how autism affects families, and what adolescents on the spectrum need in order to transition into adulthood.

For more information contact
Cascadia Training cascadia@nwresource.org or 206-441-6892

April 2, 2008

The Raising Resilient Rascals II, two day workshop, was a great success!

The workshop had great information for parents and professionals. To find out who presented see: .
http://www.cascadia-training.org/INFO_raisingrascals.html Purchase the DVD package of four DVD’s, professionally recorded and produced, as well as handouts fom the presenters. All this for the low price of $87.12

To order the DVD’s . . .

http://www.cascadia-training.org/INFO_RRRIIDVD.html

April 1, 2008

Two very important resources for tax time.

The National Foster Parent Association has released a guide to the tax benefits available to foster and adoptive parents and kinship providers for the 2007 tax year.

Use the link www.nfpaonline.org/uploads/2007_federal_tax_benefits.pdf

Another important resource for those of you who have expenses from a recent adoption.

Following is the first paragraph of the tax law:

You may be able to take a tax credit for qualifying expenses paid to adopt an eligible child (including a child with special needs). The adoption credit is an amount subtracted from your tax liability. Although the credit generally is allowed for the year following the year in which the expenses are paid, a taxpayer who paid qualifying expenses in the current year for an adoption which became final in the current year, may be eligible to claim the credit on the current year return. The adoption credit is not available for any reimbursed expense. In addition to the credit, certain amounts reimbursed by your employer for qualifying adoption expenses may be excludable from your gross income.

Find the full explanation at

http://www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc607.html As always, we suggest you consult your tax professional

March 23, 2008

I have recently taken a “blog vacation’—I’m back.


In the past few weeks I have been privileged to be a small part of formal, planned meetings as well as informal discussions about how to do a better job of finding permanent homes for the 80,000 children currently in foster care.

The discussions have been more optimistic and hopeful then the past few years, perhaps a reflection of our hope for change in our country, no matter who becomes president, and despite economic challenges.

What has been confirmed for me recently is that it is time do things differently, in order to reach our goals. One example of this is what John Morse, the Executive Director of Amara, and his staff, organized. Amara was able to get leaders in the non-profit world, government and for-profit worlds together in the same room to hear the conditions of the lives of our children, children in foster care.

There are so many things we can do; we can all be a part of the solution. The big answers are to adopt or foster. There are other things that each of us can do, it begins with knowing the reality of 80,0000 children in need of our help; some to return to birth families that need support to be stable; some children to be placed with other relatives; some to be placed with guardians; some to have the right adoptive home found for them.

All of the 80,000 need support in other ways. They need what and your children already have; educational support; sport participation opportunities; mentors, ;job skills training and so many more opportunities.

Stay tuned to more of what more we can do.

January 30, 2008

What an interesting and creative time we’re living in!

I’m doing research on new ways to deliver needed services to families and professionals. We in the adoption field, and certainly in social service work, are not the most creative people—speaking for myself-- mostly.

To contribute to my creativity, I find it very necessary to read things totally out of my league, speak to people I can barely understand and learn topics I have no interest in. In addition I ask many, many questions.

So what does this have to do with the adoption world? It is all connected—as we all are.

We can all learn from each other—some times it’s not how to do something, it may be how NOT to do something. The issue can be parenting, business development, gardening, whatever.

Back to service delivery. As parents or professionals we need to be more direct in letting our needs be known. Let’s talk about what we need and how we need it.

Currently, the wonderful situation with professionals in private practice and in agencies is that they are looking for ways to provide services in unique ways, ways that will fit how families live and what they need. The traditional ways of providing services are still very important, at times there is a need for creativity and traditionalism.

Professionals can’t provide these services, in a unique or traditional way, if we don’t tell them what we need. So next time you have the opportunity—tell. If it doesn’t change-tell again.

January 16, 2008

Hi all!

A reminder about Raising Resilient Rascals Conference on 2/1 and 2/2.

This conference is for parents and professionals.

It will be a great two days-although one day is a valuable option as well.

For those that receive adoption support you may want to check if your Adoption Support will pay for this conference. My understanding is in the State of WA Adoption Support may pay for one workshop/conference a year.

There is a discount for multiple attendees from a group.

For professionals, agencies and support groups there will be a resource table provided to put out flyers, cards, brochures. There is a nominal fee of $25 to place them out. This is a great opportunity to get your name and services to a number of parents and professionals.

Visit www.cascadia-training,org Hope to see you there--Yolanda

January 10, 2008

Are you a parent that can use some information and guidance parenting your child of color?

I’ve learned of a very important workshop presented by a local expert in adoption, Dr. Suzanne Engelberg. She will present “White Parents Raising Children of Color--What Every Parent Should Know." The workshop will be on February 25th, at 7pm at her office in Shoreline. For questions and to RSVP, call Dr. Engelberg at 206-542-7516, ext. 105.

Dr. Engelberg is knowledgeable about adoption issues and has been in practice for many years, working with children, families and adults. She is extremely qualified to provide a workshop such as this and has fantastic experience working with multi-racial and multi-cultural families. In addition, Suzanne has been a school counselor and presented to a variety of parents and professionals.

Take this easily accessible opportunity to get some guidance from an expert. The workshop is only $15 per participant.

January 7, 2008

Hello Friends and Colleagues!

I hope this 2008 is going as you wish.

Here is a great opportunity to learn from Deborah Gray, MSW, MPA

You will see that the intended participants are therapists and caseworkers. It definitely has great value for these groups. I have attended a similar workshop of Deborah's and felt I learned quite a lot as a parent of children who were adopted. Specifically, this information helped me understand my children's grief and how to best help them through it as a parent.

Trauma, Anxiety, and Pathological Grief
Deborah Gray, MSW, MPA

About the workshop
The recent Harvard/Casey study shows that trauma and anxiety disorders are not resolving simply because children are moving into safe placements. Instead, children are growing up with high rates of traumatic stress and debilitating anxiety.



This day gives professionals the skills that they need in treating children who have been traumatized or who have lost adult caregivers in a sudden and/or traumatic fashion. It will address the generalized anxiety that so many children experience after rotating caregivers in the first year or two of life.

The topics of the day will include:

**Assessment and diagnosis of children. What are the adjustment issues to a new home?

**What is traumatic stress?

**What are the symptoms of traumatic stress and how do they interfere with integration and healthy adaptation? What are the developmental impacts of trauma and pathological grief?

**What are the resources necessary in order to do trauma work?

**How to help children build a stress regulation system: Skill-building in affective regulation.

**Methods of working with children who have attachment issues as a result of traumatic stress.

**Processes of assisting children in grieving when children have lost parents traumatically.

**Protocols for working with trauma, grief, and attachment issues. What comes first?

**Anxiety and trauma issues in parents.

**Home programs for families--Creating a healing milleu.

This day will help therapists and caseworkers sharpen their focus in assessing children, select appropriate strategies for helping children, and assist children as they make meaning out of their life events. The goal is to shift children onto developmental arcs that allow them connection with caring others, their areas of mastery, and the positive meaning of their lives.

To sign up for this workshop see www.cascadia-training.org

December 31, 2007

As I sit here reviewing 2007, I think of all the family and friends I am so fortunate to have in my life. I think of my babies and how lucky I am that they still share so many questions and experiences with me at their ages (12 and 13). I realize this may not always be the case and count this as a blessing.

I am thankful for the many people who have helped me professionally and personally in the past year.

I think of what goals I reached, what goals I didn’t reach and what my goals will be for the next year; spend more time with my children and husband; disagree less if it really doesn’t matter; the old stand by to get healthier; give more in the “right” places and less in the not so right places.

Another old standby is to learn more about it all; people, places, world issues, local issues, and of course, adoption issues.

I look ahead and think of all the challenges I will take on this year. A new website, more success in my work, more vacation with the family (yes, a challenge at times), resolving conflicts that should have passed already, closing the estate for which I am responsible.

I will work towards the availability of post adoption services, advocate for transition services becoming the norm, open adoption in foster care becoming less threatening and more practiced, and availability of original birth certificates. I will also work towards taking more responsibility for the children in care and providing services to birth families, hopefully resulting in less loss, grief, trauma and disruption for children and families.

I wish for you the importance of goals sought and reached in 2008.

December 21, 2007

An opportunity for a big time Adoption Conference in the Northwest! The second Resilient Rascals Conference is now two days (February 1 & 2) and again there will be nationally known adoption experts. Cascadia Training brings these two days to us.

This conference will be great for parents and professionals.

My question is always, great, but what is the cost, will it be out of my budget? It is probably the most inexpensive two day conference I’ve ever found. One day fee is $85.00 and the two day fee is $155.

Topics include:
• The Nature and Nurture of the Brain –Julian Davies, MD
• Bucharest Foster Care Trial Findings-Dana Johnson, MD
• The Dichotomy of Special Needs Adoptions and Foster Care-Paulette Caswell, MSW
• Sensory Processing and Neurology-Stephen Glass, MD
• Why Does my Rascal go Ballistic?-Gwen Lewis, PhD, ABPdN
• Interventions for the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum, Julia Bledsoe, MD
• “Om a Little Teapot”: Techniques for Relaxation and Self-Regulation- Julian Davies, MD
• Safe Now! Five Faves for Families with Anxious Children-Deborah Gray, MSW
• Sleep Issues and Adoption, Maida Chen, MD
• Medications and Adoption, Margaret Cashman, MD
There are only 200 spots for this conference. Reserve your seat now!

Details:
Location: Edmonds Conference Center
When: February 1st & 2nd, 2008
Hours: 8:30am-5:00pm
Fee: $85.00 each day or $155.00 both days US
CEU info: 7 CEU's each day Cascadia Training is approved by the NASW, Washington State Chapter, to provide continuing education units to Licensed Social Workers, Mental Health Counselors and Marriage and Family Therapists. Certificates of Completion are awarded to attendees at the end of each workshop. Provider number #1975-118, and is an OSPI approved provider of in-service education. This is a Washington State Approved Clock Hour Offering Workshop

See you there!

December 10, 2007

Gifts and Passions: Five Tips for Encouraging Your Child’s Positive Self Esteem

We all want our child to have a strong sense of them self and develop a great self esteem. Throughout our child’s developmental stages this can be a struggle. Positive self esteem, pride in their gifts and self care can help them make better choices that can impact her lives.

Here are some simple steps we can all take in our family, no matter the age of our child.

1) Identify your child’s “gifts”. What is your child naturally good at? What is she drawn to? What does she want to do more of? These gifts can be very simple, especially with younger children. Is she a good friend, game player, does she draw you great pictures? This is a starting point, a foundation on which to build.
2) Verbally support your child’s gifts. Be honest and make your recognition and encouragement sincere. None of us want our child to have a false sense of her self, especially when we can help them have a true picture of their special-ness.
3) Help your child learn to identify her own gifts and to verbally acknowledge them. Ask your child her opinion of what she does well, what she enjoys, what she would like to do well and what she is willing to work towards. If she has a hard time with this, model it for her, draw pictures, keep trying.
4) Introduce your child to new experiences. In addition to expanding your child’s world and make her more comfortable in her world, new experiences bring the opportunity to discover new gifts and to strengthen existing gifts.
5) Help your child’s gifts grow into passions. It is beautiful when your child can love something so much that it motivates them to be their best, work their hardest.

These simple steps are a process. They are a way for your child to be self motivated, excited and enthusiastic about herself.

December 3, 2007

I recently met with the members of the Attachment Center Northwest in Kirkland. Our goal was to discuss adoption in the Northwest as well as the possibility of the Center becoming a member of ARIS. I have not invited the Center to join ARIS because some of the clinicians use the controversial "holding" technique. I have feelings against this technique as I understand it. I was very honest with them about the reason they have not been invited and they were very willing to discuss my concerns and their thoughts.

I moved to the Northwest when there was a mild hysteria and many disagreements about some of the techniques some clinicians used, primarily holding. I attended workshops, listened to others, read on my own and decided the mostly anecdotal information I had made me uncomfortable in referring a family to a therapist that employed this technique.

I know the percentage of clients for which this techniques is used is very low. I know that parents are educated prior to its use. I know safeguards are put in place. I know that there are some parents and adopted persons that attribute some of their healing to the use of holding. I also know that there are other techniques that are used by these and other clinicians that are not holding and are used successfully with "very difficult" children.

The professionals of the Center were happy to provide me more updated information and I am more then willing to look at it and speak to anyone that they feel would benefit my on-going education.

I have suggested that this group coordinate a workshop updating professionals and parents on the newest research, techniques and other information. I know I would love an update.

I haven't changed my opinion about this controversial technique, I may or may not change my opinion. I am willing to listen with an open mind. As a parent and a professional I believe I owe it to myself. Join me for the workshop that will hopefully occur in the spring. Decide for your self the merits of the techniques presented.

November 13, 2007

Doulas in adoption? What an odd concept, or so I thought. I have been having doulas coming out of my ears the last few months. I have been meeting them everywhere I go. So, I decided to finally pay attention and learn about their expertise.

Doulas provide support for moms pre-birth, during birth and post birth. So what role can a doula play in adoption? How about being the trained expert on birth and the needs of birth mom? It would also be incredible to have some one at home when adoptive parents bring their new baby home for the early days. When you’re faced with the exhilarating reality of bringing baby home, it can be so over-whelming.

The logistics alone can be complicated! How do you hold such a fragile, helpless being? How do you feed your new huge responsibility? How do you know if something is wrong? Oh my gosh, one reason my husband and I adopted toddlers was because of these fears.

I’d love to answer any questions on how a doula could benefit your process in adopting an infant.

ARIS will be listing doulas in 2008 and after some very specific training. More to come.

November 4, 2007

I was recently invited to an informal discussion about the “returning” of children to the foster care system, either before finalization (disruption) or after finalization (dissolution). The meeting is being called by interested parties that have the ability to make a difference in this problem. I feel privileged to be able to give my opinion on this very important issue. The discussion will include how to support new families as well as how to help parents understand the difficult parenting challenge ahead when a child is in foster care due to neglect, physical and sexual abuse, drug usage by birth parents or other caretakers.

The cost to all parties is great. The child will suffer more loss and emotional pain. The parents will lose their dream of being parents to the child they love; the emotional pain for them will also be great. Society and the “system” pay a great cost in a citizen needing more care. It will cost us all more money and more risk if the child does not receive the education and support he needs to be self supporting and emotionally healthy.

As a parent that has adopted from foster care I feel I have some understanding of the challenges in loving and raising a child with so much loss and such a difficult history. I definitely have my opinions on what can help keep children in the home that was planned to be permanent.

I would love your opinions on how you believe the risk of disruption and dissolution of adoptions can be reduced. Email me at Yolanda@adoptionreferralservice.com.

October 31, 2007

I recently read a quote from Thomas Jefferson “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.” It must have been one of those days that I needed understanding, because this quote reminded me so much of parenting, not just parenting a child that was adopted. Any child. Have you ever felt that you were hanging on by a knot? I know I have.

As I visualized this, because that’s what I do when I read, I saw a chair being placed under me, before I lost hold.

I see all of us as having the ability to place that chair for another. Being there when another needs support, an ear, a suggestion a resource. Other parents can be our biggest cheer leaders and biggest source of information. We need to start talking to each other.

Because I do what I do, talk to parents all day long, I learn first hand how knowledgeable parents are, they sometimes don't know it. On those days that you have rope to spare, reach out to those that don’t.

I encourage you also to attend a group, speak with friends and acquaintances and share about that latest dentist, book, counselor, park, game, you found.

October 16, 2007

I want to share one of my favorite sites for adoption info. The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute has links, articles and PDF format papers that I have found of great value. The institute also has up-to-date information sent out via a monthly e-newsletter. The e-newsletter includes items in: law, policy & practice; research in adoption; news in adoption; and resources

The Institute’s mission is to provide leadership that improves adoption laws, polices and practices—through sound research, education and advocacy—in order to better the lives of everyone touched by adoption.

On a very consistent bases, I find new information, interesting information, and information that is not easily available elsewhere. Check this site out if you are a professional who wants to be up to date or a parent who loves to keep up on the latest.

October 9, 2007

I am so fortunate to be able to meet many professionals in the field here in the Northwest. There are so many that are smart, skilled and committed. I really like that they are taking the best of existing practices and accepting of newer practices and discoveries. This can improve our work on behalf of children and families. Just as importantly, there are young professionals that will continue to do great work when we are long gone.

One such professional is Claire Greenhill. She is a transplant to the Northwest and a licensed psychotherapist. She provides therapy and home study/post-placement services. Claire has an office in the Fremont area of Seattle and will provide home visits when possible.

Claire provides psychotherapy services to adults, families, adolescents and children who are touched by adoption. In her general practice, Claire works with clients on stress, anxiety and depression management, recovery from trauma and abuse, and pregnancy/postpartum concerns. Claire provides home study and post placement services adoption an infant or older child in an independent adoption, as well as kinship and step-parent adoption.

I am proud to say Claire is a member of ARIS and I am thrilled to be able to refer to her when her skills and knowledge fit the needs of families.

October 2, 2007

We are so fortunate to live here in the Northwest! We have great opportunities to hear experts in the field of adoption and parenting.

There are four events coming up that we all have the opportunity to attend. This week-end the Adoption Information Fair is at the Evergreen Education Center at Evergreen Hospital at 12040 NE 128th St,. Kirkland. The contact number is 425-776-4100. It is from 9am to 1pm and there will be many adoption professionals participating. There will also be short classes that you can attend-all for free. The Education Center is in the back of the hospital and there is no need to reserve a spot.

The second event this week-end here in Seattle, is a workshop on Trans-racial Parenting. Issues addressed will be; development of racial identity, cultural competence, and tools for creating positive outcomes, talking to your child about race, confronting racism and personalizing culture. The link for this workshop is http://www.adoptionmosaic.org/class/transracial_all_day.htm

Later this month we have the opportunity to hear Deborah Gray on Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder/Pre-natal exposure. The workshop is sponsored by Cascadia Training. It will be from 9am to 4:30 pm at Shoreline Center. Some of the questions answered will be; what advice should caseworkers give to families about the school, day care, neighborhood rules, and the future when they are adopting children? What should an IEP look like? What non-traditional approaches appear promising? What is the latest research?

As if that wasn’t enough. Cascadia Training is bringing Dr. Daniel Hughes to the Northwest on December 6th (Portland) and 7th (Seattle). Yes, that Daniel Hughes’s! He’s the author of Building the Bonds of Attachment and Facilitating Developmental Attachment. I am so excited to hear him speak, I hear he’s great! There are only 50 spots for the attendees—grab them now.

September 24, 2007

There are some additions to this site as of today. I realized that I had limited resources for adopted adults and birth family members. So I added just a start. I also added just a bit for professionals as well. There will me more to come for all these groups.

While writing this content and researching resources, I realized that I need more knowledge about these groups and the resources that can answer their questions and give them the information they’re seeking. So, if any of you very intelligent people reading this blog know of any books, sites or professionals that serve them well, please send me that information at Yolanda@adoptionreferralservice.com.

I’d love feedback on what was added and any suggestions, any link problems etc. As you already know, I’m a very average writer-so suggestions on content making more sense would not offend me.

New subject. There are still a few spots available for Deborah Gray’s workshop this Friday, the 28th. The topic is “Emotional Stages, Adoption Stages and Neurodevelopmental Shifts from Neglect and Abuse.” it is sponsored by Cascadia Training.

This workshop describes the impact on children’s development when they are moved between caregivers, sexually or physically abused, prematurely given the responsibility of taking care of themselves-or other children, or told they are worthless by words or actions.

This workshop also looks at the requisites for developing a healthy sense of self as an adopted person. It describes techniques and concepts, stage by stage, to help children who are grieving their birth parents.

This workshop will be rich in looking at the ways in which the brain is altered by maltreatment. It will describe, concretely, methods that work best in all contexts for children whose brains processes have been shaped by neglect and abuse.

It will be a very valuable workshop to attend!

Y

September 20, 2007

Another pet peeve!
Remember when George Burns died several years ago? The news articles identified his remaining family members and identified his “adopted son.” Oh my gosh. -His son was almost 70 years old and still he’s the “adopted son.” What’s up with that!

Also . . .in news stories where the media describes the “perpetrator” in a crime, they will describe the “adopted son/daughter.” How often is someone described as the “birth child”?" Never.

It’s as if a relationship by adoption is “lesser than” a birth relationship. Believe me, I am no less a parent to my babies and they are no less my babies, then if I gave birth to them. Too sensitive? Maybe today I am.

I say stop it!—yes I am whining right now. I don’t have an answer to this. The collective we need to be more aware and verbal about this.

Sept. 16, 2007

On Friday I attended an Ethics and Adoption Workshop sponsored by Cascadia Training. I enjoyed the training and for those of you who also attended, sorry for talking way too much! I’m very impressed with the 20+ state workers in attendance. I had the opportunity to speak to several of them and, as more times then not, was impressed by their knowledge, professionalism and commitment.

I’m also impressed that Snohomish County made the investment in them and paid for this workshop. I believe that like school teachers, the workers responsible for insuring the care of our children; very often do not have the resources to do so.

Also in attendance were clinicians and professionals from agencies. A pat on the back for all of us. We recognize the need to take a critical look at ethics in adoption. Let’s continue to do so.

Sept. 10, 2007

This week, Friday the 14th, Cascadia Training (www.cascadia-training.org) is providing a workshop that is sure to be very educational and even stimulating! The workshop, Ethical Issues in Adoption & Foster Care is being led by Judy Roberts, MA, LMHC, and Amanda Franklin M. Ed.,. at the Tukwila Community Center. I have participated in a past workshop of Judy’s and she did a great job. The attendees are sure to be from a variety of professional positions-so there will be a variety of participants contributing.

The class is fairly full, but still has some spots, so register soon. I encourage all of you who can attend the all day workshop, to do so. I hope to see you there!

Sept. 6, 2007

Pet Peeve time!
Earlier today I was looking at a list of materials for workshops from a past conference. I believe the group providing the material is first rate. So I was even more disappointed and very annoyed when I saw the title “orphanage children.” What does this “label” mean? I feel the same when I hear people say “drug babies’ or “crack children.”

I am really offended on behalf of the children who are diminished to be labeled and identified in this way. They are all so much more. I am even more disappointed when I hear parents who have adopted their children or professionals that work in the field, refer to the children they parent or the children they work with in this demeaning way.

I believe that these phrases lump all children who have lived in an orphanage, were born positive for drugs, to a limited expectation and similar outcomes in their lives. Those of us who know the potential of “our” children have the duty to make sure they are treated and seen as individuals, with their own unique characteristics and potential.

I realize that some may feel I am being too sensitive or see no merit to this opinion. I also realize that I will continue to hear these references, even by people who should know better.

So what am I going to do about this? There is no reason to complain if I’m unwilling to offer a solution. I have made the commitment to let my belief be known when I hear this again. This is my small way of acknowledging that our children are so much more then these terms.

Sept. 3, 2007

School begins tomorrow. SIGHHHHHHHHHHH. It’s amazing how much one can look forward to spending time with the kids for the summer and then a few short weeks later, really need them to return to school!

If you’re like me, you’re giddy planning the things you want to get to, beginning . . . tomorrow. My list includes the usual; empty and clean the fridg., clean my disaster of a closet and read a book in quiet.

The book I’m the most excited about is Deborah Gray’s new book “Nurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience after Neglect and Trauma.” I was so fortunate and flattered to be asked to review this book prior to publication.

Those of you who know Deborah or her work; have seen Deborah speak, read her articles or her first book, “Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents” will not be disappointed. You, as I was, will be thrilled at the valuable and practical information. I think this book was written with the professional in mind, but as parent by adoption, I found the content very important.

In part one, Deborah discusses much of the recent research about adoption and on issues that can impact children who were adopted/their families. She has done a beautiful job of including vignettes in the perfect places, to further drive home her massages.

In part two, Deborah outlines how to use the information from the first section. It is incredibly helpful to read what critical roles we can play in the health of the children we care for and care about.

Nurturing Adoptions is what I call a “smooth read”—the kind of book that is so easy to read, that time goes by quickly while reading it. That is a hard thing to achieve in a non-fiction book.

Here is a link to Deborah’s site. Her books are available in the usual places, you may be able to get a better price by ordering directly from her. There are also discounts for multiple books ordered.

August 30, 2007

First day of ARIS' Blog. I'm hoping to provide valuable information, some critical thinking and maybe even some challenging questions that may make some people uncomfortable. I'll admit, I like to shake up the status quo and that might make us all uncomfortable.

Later-Y